Wants Needs Desires Clarifications

They tell me I don't know what I want....they are right in that sense, but I definitly know what I don't want. I don't want a ready made family, I don't want someone they'll love me forever, then after 7 years I can't get a return phone call, I don't want to have a 2 day discussion on wants, needs, past lives, and long walks--fuck that, life is to be enjoyed at some point right?

I know that I want my sister to get well, get healty, get some backbone about her, to be able to say fuck the world, I don't want that right now, then turn around a hour or day later and say, now, I want it. I need for her to come back and get this household, this is the road she has chosen and for the "right" reasons, I chose to be her driver for a undisclosed amount of time...now that's fucked, and I've done it to my self once again.

Let's talk about wants, what I want. I want a honest Black woman who knows herself enough to love herself, and work on what she may perceive as faults; I want a Black woman with no kids!!!!! This is very important to me because I want to travel down a road with that woman, and when a bump comes along I want both of us to feel it equally new; not oh well she knows this bump because she's had a previous child--no fuck that, that puts me in a position of being secondary. I know that children come first, I know this very well because for 7 fuckin' years I allowed myself to be second in a relationship with a woman who had a child, and that child came 1st, not me, not the relationship I had with her mother, not her mother (to a certain extent), but the child. And it's fucked up that after all I tried to do to make the shit work, in the 11th hour, I gave up, gave in, threw in the towel when she told me to go and I fuckin' went! So a bit bitter are we, you're damn right, am I over this ... hell naw!!!...would I like a second chance, at this point I say yes, because we did get along very well, but trust has become such an overiding factor, that I'm not sure if it would really fuckin' work---again...

Now let's talk about the other one who has replaced her on the rebound. Same situation, granted I don't live with her, but I know how unconditional love is and the power behind it and she is lackin' if she thinks she's close to loving me unconditionally the way she thinks. Two kids, both under 10, spoiled, not brattie, but undisciplined. Do I want to step in that situation and be the discipliner--not really; do they have fathers, one does who is in the life, but I don't know him, and can that whole thing really be trusted....ummmm, maybe, but I'm on the fence with that. Plus she's like me in the sense of the art thing, and we clash on a lot. Situation with my sister--clash, situation with my sister's manfriend--clash, situation with my homie, my ace--clash, situation with my lifestyle--somewhat of a clash. She's not comfortable in spots where I feel I can be most relaxed--small space, filled with smoke, and liquor pouring freely...that's me, love it, like it or hate it to your core--that's me, that's how I can get a day off my ass, I like people who are honest, well honest enough over a few drinks, and some smoke. I don't like the fact that I have to curb that side of me...fuck that. Another clash is I don't really think that she understands the hood side of me, yea I say nigga and bytch freely, fuck without cause, fart without reason, smoke like a chimney, and will talk to anyone who will listen, from the senator to the homeless...fuck it, that's me. We argued the other day behind a blog I put up, and stated that I loved people and missed people, and yes, I was referring to my x but nothing was real clear, and there was nothing in there that stated that I wanted to get back with her...that leads to her being pissed and me thinking, well better not bring her back up...then last nite she tells me some real personal shit, which reminds me of some real personal shit, in which she didn't understand the magnitude of it but oh well....

and then went off into this whole Islam culture experience thing. Now the thing with Islam and me is this: I respect the religion and people who use it a lot. I do this because I've seen it work where Christianity has failed. And I have an idea of the closeness when it comes to the people involved; now even though she's not practing the religion, she at one time did. Now I have this concept of Islam women being very docile, and she has seemed docile to me in many instances. This has been a concern of mine. Another concern was the way she broke down the fact that people are looking at me; this does bother me because I am private. Now I'll put some shit out, but it won't be out and just open where people are like oh, damn, so that's the biz...no don't believe in doing that, but I don't like being under anyone's scope, and kids have their own scope which is another reason I don't like previous kids to be there because there's always a comparison or the good ole you ain't my daddy thing. Back to the Islam thing. I feel that she thinks that I'm conscious and really into the culture, and I'm not saying that I'm not, but I've only dug into Islam briefly, and with the brief understanding that I have, she really should of called me out on A LOT of stuff, and she didn't/hasn't, which made me feel like shit, so I apologized, and felt shitty like I shouldn't touch her or be having sex with her, because at one time these were her beliefs, and any beliefs are really strong so why not call me out and make me wait, or something....it just doesn't feel right. Is it the docile thing like she should do and respect what her man says or is it something like if she doesn't then she might lose me, like I said I apologized because I felt stupid, and I felt like I've disrespected a part of her that maybe she doesn't recognize and should--at least I think. That's the issue, understand it or not, it's who I am.

Perceive the Nature (not for all, but meant for one)

Says this page
reads like an
open book;
is it
fact,
or
fiction?
Who is to say
for no one is
really,
that close—
unless they're
impatient.
Don't fall victim
to visions
monikers portray—
some things are
just an act.
Please accept apologies
for the unintended
action;
sometimes scribes
lose sight to
the strength of words
and
silence.
The book may be open
yet not every
chapter is known,
hate writing
code for one,
so
I.L.U.
with apologies to
the one who
loves
Martha Stewart.....

Self Mutilation

Juggle—
to balance
more than
3 objects
between the air,
and your hands.

Had an Uncle
once
who told me,
you can please
some of the people
some of the time,
just not,
all of the people
all of the time.

I don't juggle well.

Environment has become
toxic,
because of time spent
with the present
that has
no future.

Why try?
Didn't this fail
after 7
the last time?
Muthafucka, when will
you learn???

Beyond frustrated,
beyond fired,
beyond pissed, miffed,
and beyond point of being
muffled.
Fuck the world,
let your pen
do the walking.

Can't make the world
a box,
because everyone is
not
a perfect 90° angle.
Plus, it would
take four sides being equal...
and I'm
not good at
juggling...
And I be damned,
because no man
or woman
is an island.

Calgon in the 80's,
weed in the 90's,
will poetry
take me away
in this so-called
new millennium?

Lovers, friends, and
family,
mix like
light and dark liquors—
where is my
procelain God?
For I'm praying
that Earl,
will somehow
show me a path.

I am not
a juggler.
I am only a poet.

The O's April Fool

To deal with
an unfair situation
takes more than
strength and patience.
There must be
will,
when short people
are present,
and in need of
folks who can
reach the top shelf.
It's mystic,
cryptic,
hell, written in code;
for I've known
eyes
to be like
noses
when feelings and emotions
flow.
One more time
to disrupt a life,
which was already
teetering on
destruction...
Reconstruction in a
rubble pile
places the spirit
on a hot-plate,
the mind on
military time,
and the neck
compresses to the
shoulder, then blade,
and finally,
the back—
ouch.
No naked aerobics tonight,
I'm tired of
fighting; you
never want to
argue
when I do.
So what's the point?
Love the smoke
from my joint,
but when
people appear with Newports and beer
there seems to be
an issue.
Say you understand
my blues,
yet to some of it you do
contribute;
then I apologize
as not to seem
unappreciative—
when I was away,
life was never
this complicated.
Want to run from it,
but Papa
didn't raise no punk;
so the junk I'll
take,
attend with intentions of compromise
each and every
debate
that arise from
the real
to the fake,
then bake a cake
and tell 'em all
to have a slice.
Just take the plate
Anna Mae...
let him have
some space
because he wasn't prepared
to partake
of unfair situations;
and by God, he's doing his best!

Bothered

If my heart
exploded,
w/in the confines
of my chest &
rib-cage,
sucking the life
up,
through my neck &
esophagus;
maybe then,
they'd have a clue
to the extent
of my love.
If my eyes
swoll to the size
of planets,
and became
transparent,
for all to see through—
maybe then
some could understand.
If a hearing aid
could be made
that would allow
the world to hear
what I hear,
maybe then...
peace could be reached.
Can u feel me?
Fuck understandin',
empathy, and compromise;
Open your eyes
and ride w/me
for 15 hours,
on a dark filled
road, w/rain &
hail in my path.
That's what I went
through
to get to you.
Yet,
no man or woman
be an island,
we be community;
there can be no
you
without
me;
and I can not survive
w/in distance
when circumstances
surround a life
that was
carved—
out of
freedom.
I want to run,
but responsibilities
& promises to
now angels
led me to a path
of pot-holed
streets;
where I'm drivin'
and ask you to
hold on.
I've lost passengers
before,
and that pain
still sticks to my
soul
like roots embedded
in earth—
This, shit, hurts!
Compromise
is far from fair
but it is the
matter that matters
when relations are made.
No man is God,
so perfection is an imagined
state;
opinions are like—
we've all got one.
Do you really know
what it's like
when problems mound up
like Mt. Everest
then someone comes in
w/ a gun,
and begins to
judge
you??
At that point
I might just say,
'pull the trigger'.
Because @
times
my fear of life,
super-ceded
my fear of no life
and I
was waiting to
pull the trigger.
Fortunately, the
gun jammed
& amerikkka is still
dealing with
this nigga.
What's best?
Who's to say;
the state, or strangers
who support—
No disrespect,
yet history's manifested
through the eyes of so many
that all one can depend on
is self.
Judgment should lie
in one's own eyes (reflection)
& those of
The Most High.
It is not my place,
or yours, theirs,
or any other creature
on this planet.
Dammit.
I stand,
and still
Give Thanks.